Archive for May, 2009

OK, I lied, this is my last post

May 21, 2009

BAM!

kara

Thanks to Gelles for the picture

Season 8 Contestant Recap

May 20, 2009

In what is becoming a yearly tradition, I will now attempt to share my thoughts on each of the Season 8 contestants with you.  This is clearly not going to be my finest work, as I can barely remember what I had for dinner, never mind the names and something about each contestant.  As always, I’ll give it my best.  55%.

Starting at the bottom:

Jorge Nunez – We barely knew yee.  Initially it looked as though Jorge had what it takes to go the distance.  I’m not sure what happened here.  It’s possible that the entire Schneider family watched a YouTube clip of Jorge singing something so incredible that it forced us all to put him at the top.  Either way, he sucked, and probably deserved to get voted off first.

Jasmine Murray – I swear to God I’ve never seen this chick before.  I honestly have nothing to say about her as a person, performer, or anything.  She did manage to fuck up my pool though, as her and Jorge were voted off at the same time.

Alexis Grace – You sexy little bitch.  Did anyone happen to see her in those tight black pants tonight.  I think she was sneaky the hottest female contestant of the season.  And I’m not even sure she’s that bad of a singer.  Clearly better than at least one other female.  I think America got this one wrong.

Michael Sarver – When I first did my picks this year, I thought that Michael was the one whose wife had just died.  Because of this, I threw him some sympathy points, and had him slated to finish a bit higher than 10th.  Turns out, Michael’s wife is alive and healthy, and he’s just not that good.

Megan Corkrey – Apparently America decided Megan, arm tattoos and all, was the hot chick of the season.  It’s a shock she made it to number 9.  Although, now that I think about it, I think Carly Smithson (of season 7) had an arm tattoo and made it pretty far.  Maybe these are popular in middle America?

Scott MacIntyre – Scottyyyyy.  My Man.  A couple things about Scott.  First, if you just saw the guy on the street, no guide dog or anything, would you even know he was blind?  I don’t think so.  The kid moves just a little too well for a fully blind guy.  I’m guessing it’s like 95% blind.  Still, incredibly impressive this season.  Second, I think Scotty got a bad rap from a couple of the judges for rocking the piano every time.  Hmmm, it’s not like any successful musicians play their songs behind the piano.  That always pissed me off.  What’s he supposed to do?  MC Hammer style dances up there?

Lil Rounds – I discussed Lil at length this season, with such posts as “Syesha / Lil / Whitney.” Lil was ok, and she could sing, but no offense and no racial-ness at all here, (Editors note: I just deleted the rest of what I wrote here.  After I read it back, it read incredibly racist even though that wasn’t my intent, so I deleted it.  Now you’ll never know what I had to say about Lil.)

Anoop Dog – For some reason, I like Anoop’s vibe.  I thought he was a sharp dresser, and could sing reasonable well.  I think he made it about 1 spot too far.  But all in all, I think America got this one right.

Matt Giraud – Well, it seems like we’re getting on this trend where there’s a contestant that looks like Justin Timberlake, kind of sounds like him, but just really isn’t as good as him.  Unfortunately for Matt, he was doomed from the start, as people immediately connected him to JT.  JT is great.  Good singer, excellent performer, and suprisingly a talented sketch comedy actor (I suggest you watch this or this if you’re not sure what I’m talking about).  Matt is a good singer, but lacks everything else.  Still made it longer than I would have thought.

Allison Iraheta – Eh.  Allison never did it for me.  Maybe it was the fact that she’s 16.  Maybe it’s the red hair.  Maybe it’s the Janis Joplin but not as good as Janis Joplin voice.  I don’t know.  Something just wasn’t jiving here.  Oh, and did I mention that I think she could kick my ass?  Yeah, that’s a turnoff for me.

gokey4Danny Gokey – In addition to my Michael Sarver mix-up, I also had a slight Danny Gokey mix-up.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I thought Gokey was the blind guy.  Come on, doesn’t he look like he could be a blind guy?  No?  really?  Hmm.  Well, Gokey actually proved to be quite good.  Some would argue that it was he, not Kris, that should have been in the final.  I think I’m actually in that camp.  The final 2 people should be able to sing like a motherfucker.  Gokey had that.  I’d look for him to be pretty successful as a recording artist.

adam2elvisAdam Lambert – What can I say about Adam?  On a professional level, the kid is incredible.  It’s been well documented on this blog that certain Idol Pool members have scary obsessions with Adam (Gelles, I’m talking to you).  I’m just throwing this out there, but is it possible that Adam is the lovechild of Elaine Sandler and Elvis Presley?  Think about it.  It makes sense.  From a personal level, Adam will always be special to me.  It’s because of him that this blog has been visited well over 27,000 times this season.  The post with his pictures alone has seen just under 20,000 hits.  And yes, I’m an idiot, and didn’t make a penny off of it.  There’s this little company out there that lets you put ads on your site and get paid when people click them.  I never did it.  I’m an idiot.

And the 2009 American Idol, Kris Allen –  Totally improbable.  It wouldn’t surprise me at all if any/all of the following things happen:

1) Adam and Kris go out for a beer.  Adam kills Kris.

2) Kris and hot wife girl are divorced within 6 months.  As I discussed with Barry last night, normally I would have said 3 months, but since she’s hot I doubled it.

3) Kris never puts out an album (I think Ste suggested this)

4) Adam kills Kris.

5) Elaine kills Kris.

Well, that’s my season recap.  Hope you’ve enjoyed the pool/blog this year.  I’m planning on taking a hiatus from blogging for a few months.  Who knows when my next post will appear.  I guess you’ll just have to check back here every day to find out.

Oh, and as for the results, congratulations to Emily Reiff.  Emily wasn’t in the top five of the pool a single time this season until tonight.  Well guess what?  That’s all that matters.  Also, congrats to Elyssa Slater (2nd place) and to my wife, Elyssa, for coming in dead fucking last.  She’s a smart girl, she saw the writing on the wall early on that she wouldn’t be able to win back to back seasons.  So when that wasn’t an option, she decided to go for the next best thing…last place.  She’s like Ricky Bobby…”You’re either first or you’re last.”  Well done.

Till next season.

Someone Call ELAINE!!!!!

May 20, 2009

SOMEONE CALL ELAINE RIGHT NOW!!!!! I SERIOUSLY FEAR SHE MAY KILL HERSELF!!!

ELAINE HOLD ON!!!!!! I’M ON MY WAY.  I’LL BE THERE IN 2 HOURS!!!!!!

KRIS WINS!!!!!!

May 20, 2009

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Guest Blog: MAY THE BEST MAN WIN!

May 19, 2009

Well, it’s always said that every great mastermind always Always ALWAYS!!! has an ace up his sleeve.  A bomb that he can drop at any time that completely blows your mind. Dwight Eisenhower.  Issac Newton.  Da Vinci.  Peter the Great.  Gossip Girl.  They always saved something just in case.  Well, fortunately for you, I am no different.  All year long, I’ve been sitting on a gem.  A fucking gem!  I’m not usually one to wait on something this good.  It’s actually amazing to me that I was able to keep it in my pants this long.

So, without further adieu, I present you with my Ace Up the Sleeve.  My Fucking Gem.  Elaine Sandler.

MAY THE BEST MAN WIN ! (WHICH SHOULD BE ADAM)

Simon says….” Adam, you’re back in the game……” Say what!? He was never out! And the nerve of Simon commenting on Adam’s first song, “Mad World”, which was his best, which Simon said all along it was, and he critiques him about his long coat and the fog…PLEEEEEEEEASE! It doesn’t really matter tho, Simon et al. basically said “goodbye” to Kris at the end cause they all know Adam is the best; not only is Adam the best in this year’s competition, in my opinion (which you all know I always have one), he’s the best in all 9 yrs – other than maybe Carrie Underwood, but he sure has a way better personality than she does! One more thing about Simon…….it’s about time he covered up his boring T-Shirt……and dressed for the occasion!

Couple of thoughts…..Not only can’t Kris hold a candle to Adam, but what’s with his crooked mouth ??  He may be cute and all, but that mouth….ugh! and Adam’s so darn handsome – don’t care what side he’s on….Other reasons Adam should/must win….he nailed Kara’s song, “No Boundaries” (which was way too big for Kris), “Mad World”, and Sam Cook’s, “The Change is Gonna Come”….he could make a record from that, which I think was his best of the season! Randy agrees with me…..All in all, the judges summed it up well….”Randy – A+,  Kara – you’re Iconic, Paula – you’re the best, and Simon – you’re the most original contestant that we have ever had on this show.

Well………”That’s All Folks”……Oh, one more thing……..should we take bets on whether or not Simon will be back next year? (He says this is his last year)….Lee, set up a voting spot on your blog….would be interesting to see what our fellow players think……

AND REMEMBER…….VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE…..for Adam, of course!  :)) and if he doesn’t win, I may have to say farewell to AI forever….GOOD LUCK, ADAM!!  Love You………..

Your Faithful Lee Schneider fan, known as “Elaine”

…and, Lee, thanks for all your work on this blog, the laughs, creativity, and most of all, you!! Til  next year……………

There you have it.  The final Guest Blog of the year.  The Final Recap.  I like to think I saved my best for last.  In case you were wondering, here are the results scenarios.

If Kris Wins:

1st – Emily Reiff, 2nd – Elyssa Slater, Dead fucking last – Elyssa “Wife” Schneider

If Adam Wins:

1st/2nd – 2 way Tie (people to be named later), Dead fucking last – Elyssa “Wife” Schneider

If Adam wins, this would be the first tie in the history of the idol pool.  I’m really fucking nervous about this.  The tie would come down to the total number of votes for tomorrow night, as indicated in the Rules Book (Article VII, Section 2, Paragrah 3, Lines 12-14).  And I just looked at the votes submitted, and either person could nail it right on.  I suppose we could have the two people that tie decided in advance that they want to split the money, but that’s the pussy way out, and I won’t have any of that shit in my pool.  Go big or go home.  Splitting is for dutch dates and suckers.

TiVo Assisted Results Blog

May 13, 2009

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10:36 About to start watching the results show.  Shocked no one has blown it for me yet.

10:37 Ben Stiller is an actor.  Bill Hader.  Also an actor.  Hank Azaria.  Actor/Bart Simpson.  Fat kid from Superbad.  Fatter than I remembered.  Hader and Superbad kid are hilarious.  Glad I didn’t FF this part.

10:39 FF through the judges.  Pretty sure we know who they are at this point.

10:39 FF right through those stupid Ford commercials.  Here’s how Ford should turn around their business.  Hmmm.  Let’s start by NOT spending a billion dollars a year on advertising on American Idol and maybe instead put that money into R & D.  Big fan of the Ford Fusion, but I’m not buying one.  Sorry.  Who is this chick on stage?  Who is this dude from Rowanda?  I’m confused.  See, TiVo isn’t all fun and games.  It’s confusing. And something tells me that’s not how kids in Rowanda dress.  Pretty sure they don’t have throwback Adidas sneakers.

10:42 Finally some results.  Gokey first to the stage. Did you see his lookalike that I posted yesterday?  SteGold took those pictures in case you give a shit.  Talk Talk Talk.  Let’s get to it.  FF through the trip bit.

10:44 Dim the lights.  Here we go.  Judges recap.  Yeah, Danny takes a seat.  No way anyone was going anywhere this soon.

10:45  Kris Allen.  Free cheese dip for life.  That’s something to give Gelles a hard on.  FF through the trip.  Judges recap.  Huge # of votes.  blah blah blah.  Take a seat buddy.

10:47 Jordan Sparks.  Let’s see how this goes.  I don’t like when they do new stuff.  I want to hear the shit that made them successful.  Giving this about 30 seconds.  Jordan looks good, if that’s your thing.  Funny that she was originally linked to Chris Brown.  FF.

10:49 Adam Lambert.  Not sure about the white suspenders and the Mr. Smee shirt.  FF though his trip.  Pretty sure that if I had to go “home” I wouldn’t be thanking Mr. Christiansen at good old SHS.

10:51 Dim the lights, here we go.  Judges recap.  My stomach is growling for some reason.  Adam has very white teeth.  To the couch you go.  FF.

10:52 88 million votes last night.  wow.  if that’s the case, how come only 2,000 people have visited this blog since last night?  Something doesn’t add up.  Katy Perry up.  She has huge boobs.  Think I’m gonna watch this whole performance.  Hoping for a wardrobe malfunction.  Not loving this song though.  I miss Vegas.  Due for a trip soon.  Been 11 months.  Too long.  Wonder how much flights are right now.  FF.

10:56  Finally.  Dim the lights.  Here we go.  Kris!!!  I love his wife.  I think she has fake contacts lenses with dollar signs on them.  Pretty sure I just saw that.

10:57  Danny or Adam.  I’m saying America fucked up.

10:58  Adam!!!!  I was really worried that it was going to be Gokey.  That would have been crazy.

10:58  Quick Gokey recap on TV.  Pretty psyched for the finale next week.  Think there couldn’t be too more opposite singers.  Should be really interesting.  Was just about to fast forward and TiVo cut out.  Damn you TiVo.  not that I wanted to watch Gokey sing again, but I mean really.  The fucking thing cut out last year on the finale, and I won’t let that happen again!

11:00 Your results are coming shortly.  Chiiiillllll.  24 minutes start to finish.  Not bad.

____________________________________________

Get your Results here!

Just a couple comments on the results:

1) Nice moves in the pool this week by Amy Schneider (-45), Ruth Rivard (-28), and Jess Miller (-16).  Really nailed the Gokey pick.

2) I’ve crunched the numbers.  I’ve run every possible results secnario.  If people want me to post the possible outcomes, please vote in the poll below.  I’ll make my decision on Friday.

Gokey, Kanye, Idol Gives Back

May 12, 2009

Quick Run Down of the show:

Danny, Song 1 (no idea what song this was) – fair at best

Danny, Song 2, You Are So Beautiful – I was unmoved.  The Judges loved it.

Kris, Song 1, Apologize by One Republic – I really liked it.  Thought it was just as good as the original.  Judges disagreed.

Kris, Song 2, Heartless by Kanye West – wow, i thought this was awesome.  holy shit.  I actually don’t like this song in it’s original form (maybe it’s because Kanye can’t really sing?).  Thought this was about 1,000 times better.  I think this song put him in the Top 2.  Judges agree.

Adam, Song 1, One by U2 – Starts at a crazy advantage just by the song Simon chose.  I thought he killed it.  Great job.  Clearly the front runner.

Adam, Song 2, Crying by Aerosmith – The boy is good.  I think he did Steven Tyler’s new neighbors proud.  Killed it again.

By the way, who says this blog doesn’t provide fresh, cutting edge, breaking news content?  Yeah, I didn’t think anyone said that.  Well, just in case there are a couple thousand naysayers out there, how about these Danny Gokey lookalike pictures to blow your mind.  Yeah, the guy in these pictures better hope Gokey stays on the show a little longer, otherwise his gig in the karoke bars of New York is going to be up.  Actually, he should pack up his act.  Gokey is gone this week.  The first song killed him.

Finally, just one comment on the little Idol Gives back segment featuring Carrie Underwood.  She’s hot.  Good day.

Non-Idol Lindsay Lohan Post

May 8, 2009

Here’s Lindsay Lohan’s white Maseratti parked behind the FENDI store on Rodeo Drive. Yeah. We’re creepy.

Whose Shit Don’t Stank?

May 6, 2009

If The Video won’t play for some reason.  click here to watch.

Mine.  Please see the following from last night:

9:34  unofficial poll: jess miller – danny is gone.  wife – kris.  ste – kris.  amy – kris.  katie – kris but hopes it’s danny.  lee – allison.  I’m taking the underdog.  50-1 odds.  that could never win.

Just like I killed it in the Derby, I killed it again last night.  Only one at the most awesome Idol party ever to get it right.

Get your Results HERE!  E2* Finally Dethroned!

***Holy shit I just watched that video and at the 1:40 mark Paula makes an appearance.  Wow.  I write this post.  Then I remember the Outkast video.  Then Paula is all up in my grill mix.  Sometimes things just come together.

Live Blogging (tivo assisted) the Shit out of the show tonight!

May 5, 2009

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9:35 and that concludes the first annual katie comes to boston american idol cinco de mayo swine flu live blog of american idol.  thanks for reading (did anyone read?)  group photo coming soon!

9:34  unofficial poll: jess miller – danny is gone.  wife – kris.  ste – kris.  amy – kris.  katie – kris but hopes it’s danny.  lee – allison.  I’m taking the underdog.  50-1 odds.  that could never win.

9:33  there’s about to be a riot here.  ste screwed up the tivo recording.  cue the “serves ste right” comments.

9:31 Judges Reactions.  randy = yo.  yo.  you guys are rockstars.  that was the bomb.  kara = rock god, rock goddess.  paula = arh arh arh.  perfect marriage.  something tells me a marriage between these two might not work.  simon = you win the show tonight.   tivo just cut out.  ste gold is about to be thrown off the balcony.

9:29  Allison & Adam. “Slow Ride.”  Nope.  Not going to work.  It’s Dazed & Confused or nothing for me on this one.  Katie things Adam’s tight pants are hot.  So does Ste.  I think it’s going to be a slow ride to the bottom 1 for Allison.  Adam just touched his junk.  Jess Miller thinks they should sing Meatloaf.

9:28 murmors that Kris is going to be gone.  Danny doesn’t think he was as bad as the judges thought.  sweet vest.

9:25 Judges reactions. Randy =  it was alright for me.  A+ for the effort.  Kara = i’m 38 and hot.  Paula = i don’t know if this was the right song for you.  simon = last not was like watching a horror movie.  good day.

9:20 Danny doing “Dream On.”  Ste thinks it’s one of the best songs ever.  That’s from the same guy that has a Britney Spears poster still hanging on his wall.  The girls are up in arms that he’s wearing his wedding ring.  Amy just got a tweet from Pete Bouchard.  She’s most excited.  Danny bringing it at the end.  paula almost just popped a boob out.

9:17 Ryan – “you’re far too rich to have ice for lunch.”  simon – “it’s made with mineral water”

9:15 judges reactions. randy = for me, i appreciate something.  he loved the guitar.  kara = for me, not a great performance.  paula = kind of risky to do beatles.  stopped listening to her a minute ago.  simon = didn’t like.  like eating ice for lunch.  ahhahaha.  the british are so funny.

9:13  we don’t think this is going well. Ste says Karaoke.  Jess says “no artistry.”  Ste can’t believe barry ditched this party.

9:12 Kris doing “Come Together”  looking forward to this.  Amy says the song makes her emotional.  whatever that means.

9:11 and we’re back.  had a little angel food cake and strawberries for dessert.  good stuff. Kris up next. during the break Jess Miller wanted to know what Twiiter was all about.

9:00 we’re taking a break.  dessert time.

8:58 judges reactions.  randy = loved the harmonies.  kara = sum of the parts better.  paula = powerful.  simon = danny better than kris.  majority here disagrees.

8:57 girls (and ste) think Kris is doing better than Danny.  I think they’re both doing well.  Don’t think Allison and Adam are going to be able to match this one.  Wonder what the ramifications of that are.  Ste thinks Kris won the battle.  Jess doesn’t think it’s a battle.

8:56 first duet in Idol history.  just so happy i’m here to see it.  Kris & Danny.  or is that ste?

8:55 has anyone texted the word vote?  just cracked a corona.

8:53 Katie reminding everyone that Allison said “it’s not like I sit at home and cut my wrists”.

8:51 judges reactions.  randy = no good for him for me for him, kara = are you nervous?, paula = you’re fearless (editors note – huh?), Simon = liked it.  maybe trying a bit too hard to sound like the original.  interesting.  3 no’s and an ok.

8:50 ste likes allison.  i don’t.  we’ll see what the judges say.

8:47  consensus is allison looks gross.

8:45 judges reactions.  ste loves kara.  kara has a sick poof.  paula claps like a seal.  paula bout to pop a titty out.  they all love adam.  simon tells it like it is.  one of his favorite performances.  no one can top that.

8:44 ste is unsure what the song is.  his face scares jess miller.  pretty good.  his haircut reminds me of todd from Wedding Crashers.

8:41 the girls are discussing why Allison looks so skinny?  is it the stress?  is it the anorexia?  adam sings first for change.  that’s nice.

8:40 Jess just said she’s dressed like fantasia barino.  what do you think?photo-29

8:38 the show must go on. so must the blog.  people think they can blog better and more grammatically correct than me.  fuck them.  jess miller just said she loves duets.

8:35 adam def in the bottom 3 last week.

8:34 swine flu in da house photo-28

8:31 Katie gives a speech. Discussing whether Adam was in fact the bottom 3 last week.  People up in arms about how the picks had to be made.

8:29 About to Dim the Lights.  There are swine flu masks available here.

8:20 still eating, but we’re now discussing the finer details of enemas.  Just great conversation.  someone just asked how does the water not come out your mouth?  indeed.  how?

8:15 still eating dinner.  ste just tried on his new glasses.  he looks like danny gokey.  picture coming.  jess miller in da house now.

8:05 Nobody we know watches any TV live.  Times listed will not correspond to Idol performances.  We watch when we want to watch and there ain’t nothing you can do about it. –SG

7:59 SteGold here taking over the live blog.  We have some homemade margaritas made by Amy for Cinco de Mayo.  We have dozens of surgical masks to keep the swine flu to ourselves.  We have sweaty recently-yoga’d guests.  And we have no fewer than four RSVPd individuals who either forgot, got “sick,” or are out drinking with other friends.  Hell of a party. –SG

7:57 On the phone with Gelles.  he thinks swine flu.  not coming.  party down to 6. –LS

7:52 Wife just said she almost choked on a lettuce sushi roll in high school.  awesome. –LS

7:47 Just got to SteGold’s house.  We got Ste, Amy, Wife & an out of town appearance by Katie Hulbert. –LS